Friday, October 30, 2009
Compulsory Review: Tekken 6 Is Okay.
Let it be known that I've done plenty of video game scrapping over the years, and the Tekken series is no unknown name within the playlist. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that Tekken is my favorite 3D fighting series. It offers the same experience that titles like Virtua Fighter throw out without the hassle of needing to be an expert at it. In layman's terms, it's a pretty barebone game. Having gotten my kick out of the series since number 3, one might say I've been there, done that.
So what makes Tekken 6 so different from its previous counterparts? Everything and nothing, if one wants to get into the nitty gritty. Essentially, it's the same game as Tekken 5, which had the largest and arguably best cast of characters to date (then-newcomers Asuka, Raven and Feng Wei are still fairly fun to play), as well as an unnecessary beat-em-up Tekken Force mode, a convoluted ranking system in Arcade mode, customizable characters, and bonus arcade versions of Tekkens 1-3. What makes 6 different is additions to the roster, no bonus games, and a really nasty surprise.
I think 6 is where the series kind of gave up on new and interesting characters. There's Miguel the Spanish playboy, Zafina the Middle Eastern lady, Bob the lardass, and Leo the androgynous lady boy. There's also Lars, a Scandinavian bastard child of old boss Heihachi Mishima (what'll they think of next...) and Alisa Boskonovitch, a Pinnochio-esque robot chick, both whom look like they were puked out of a Final Fantasy character creator, and stars of the unloveable Tekken Force game. Unlike the last few games' new characters, these guys feel less spectacular and awkwardly shoehorned into the already bizzare storyline.
I mention the Tekken Force game only because unlike its last appearances in the series, this time you'll find yourself playing it. Not because it's fun and offers a great story, but because it's the key to unlocking ALL the fighters for the game's Arena, or story mode. As Lars (or any character you happen to unlock along the way), you trudge through level after level seeking revenge or something on the Mishima Zaibatsu. Each level flows in a linear, uninspired obstacle course of generic soldiers, bodyguards, and big ass robots until you get to the boss, usually a Tekken character who is then unlocked when you whoop them. This continues on and on until the end, and even then you have to do some spectacular bullshit to unlock all the fighters. This wouldn't be so bad IF Tekken Force was playable. The controls are lanky and frustrating (particularly moving around in the vicinity of enemies), the enemy lock-on sucks large quantities of balls, and 2/3rds through the game the boss fights become vicious and just unfun. You do get some aid in the form of an AI-controlled Alisa and occasional weapons, but the fact I cannot figure out how to unlock my aim on enemies so I can run and pick up health items ultimately kills any fun. Not that Tekken Force was EVER a fun part of the series, but this time it's almost unavoidable.
Thankfully, Tekken Force is about the only thing wrong with Tekken 6, as the actual fighting game is just as hunky dorey as it's ever been. Arcade Mode returns with the same ranking system as last time. Survival and Team Attack rear their heads. Story mode is almost as good as it ever was if it weren't for... grr... Tekken Focce. What threw me off was how the graphics don't seem to be as big an upgrade from last time, and this is considering that this is the first Tekken on the new generation of consoles. But maybe it's my 360, and maybe the PS3 version is radder since Tekken has always been a Sony system loyalist. In any case, the game IS pretty and characters like Christie Montiero are just as fappable as they ever were. I guess.
I spent the extra bones (slightly regrettably, now) to pick up the collector's edition of Tekken 6. What made this stand out was it came in a huge fucking box housing the game as well as a hardcover art book and a Hori arcade joystick. After the fiasco with my Madcatz SFIV joystick earlier this year, it was a gamble I was reluctant but able to make. Fortunately, the joystick works just fine. Unfortunately, it doesn't make Tekken Force any better to play. I would only reccomend the collector's edition if one doesn't have an arcade stick for fighting games, or if you have a boner for Tekken. I fell under both.
Regardless of collector's edition, Tekken 6 is worth checking out if you've played previous versions or need a fighting game that's not nearly as serious as Virtua Fighter or Soulcalibur. I mean, it has a Wesley Snipes ninja, a boxing kangaroo, insanely hot bitches, and no less than two bears. Why not? But if you're lacking the funds or patience to pick up a $60 Tekken 6, I'd suggest sticking with Tekken 5 on the PS2 for 1/3 of the price, or even the PSP version that is actually playable and fun.
For your health,
-C.
Monday, October 26, 2009
OU vs. OSU: FUHTBAWL ROYALE.
Now, I'm not an expert on football. In fact, I don't give a fat fudge about it. I'm not going to litter my blog with sports statistics or rudimentary studies on how many rape and manslaughter convictions it takes a player to get suspended for one game. And no, I'm not going to play it safe and go with my alma mater, OSU, because that's what dirty cheaters do. I'm going to pretend that you, the reader, also know little about football. I've come up with a five-point contest based on the mascots, the fans, what the team colors remind me of, theme restaurants, and any merit the teams have. Now that I've stated that, I'll be clear in that neither team wins. Because the real winner is you, for caring about college football and being a bigger person than me.
Round 1: Mascots!
OSU: Tom Selleck.
Winner: Whether OU fans are entertained by an antique travel trailer or the livestock that pulls it, nobody will disagree that Tom Selleck would kick its ass in a whimsical mascot fight. With style, and possibly a Ferrari.
Winner: While OSU fans are capable of rousing their rivals to the point of just going and teabagging the opposing teams' cheerleaders, OU marginally beats them for simply having even less shame. Nobody walks outside of his or her bedroom looking like that for any other reason than loving football way too much for their own good.
The simplicity of OU's red-and-white color scheme could be traced to the simplicity of our neighbors to the north. A carefree and hearty people, Canadians live on a rich diet of maple-flavored anything and baskets of Tim Horton's doughnuts. Although Canadians are famous for the wintertime sport "hockey," they have also been spotted playing games such as football, basketball, hopscotch, and Triominos. Some Canadians can also be French, which can be distinguished by their snarky insistence that their name is not Robert, but "Reau-bieu." Canada's chief exports are timber, oil, Golden Globe winners, and in my case, grandparents.
OSU: Halloween.
The irony is that OSU's colors, black and orange, are obvious reminders of Halloween, which is a pagan holiday that many pious Oklahomans have replaced with Harvest Day, which in turn is total bullshit. Instead of being allowed to dress up as something as innocent as a baby duckling or Carrie Underwood, children are hauled off to church to learn how to hate things that don't pertain to their belief system yet again. To be fair, some less outrageous churches have loopholed the system by inventing "Trunk-or-Treat," where families drive to the church parking lot and hand candy and bibles to each other. That's close enough, but there's something uncomfortably predatory about the idea of giving children candy out of a car. I'll stick with regular Halloween, where the sky's the limit where kids decorate yards with toilet paper and I get to poke scenesters with a plastic pitchfork until they lament their melancholy on a status update.Winner: This proved to be a tough choice, as I enjoy bags of milk (a real Canadian delicacy) as well as bags of candy. While Canada is no slouch in a competition, Halloween's real advantage is that it only comes once a year, letting me build up my excitement and anticipation for regular sluts to look extra slutty in their crazy costumes. I imagine Canadians get burnt out on being from Canada after ten, twelve years. And so OSU wins this match.
Final Round: Merit!
The "E For Extra Effort, the Extra is an Extra E!" Award in Trying: Tulsa U.
For years, the Tulsa Hurricanes have been third banana in the lineup of Oklahoma college teams that people make too big a deal out of. They always seem to be that team that the Sooners and Cowboys trick by telling them the rad beach party is at Majestic, which unbeknownst to the Hurricanes is the fabulous club for "swingers." I would've included them in my five point test if it didn't cost me an extra $10, 000 per paragraph. But I will note that their mascot, a super tornado man, looks remarkably like the poop mascot of Boon-Ga Boon-Ga, a Japanese arcade game where you stick a plastic finger in a fake ass. I am not lying. Google it. I don't give a damn.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Entertainment Foreshadowing...
Michael Bay's Transformers is something that many people bitch about yet nobody seems to notice. The long and short of any review of Transformers 2 can be summed up in one sentence: One's enjoyment of the second film can and likely will be based on the enjoyment of the first film. In simple man's words, if you thought the first one was fantastic, then this one will rattle the jizz out of your balls. Likewise, if you thought the first one sucked, this one sucks harder. Personally, I enjoy the movies. I cannot think they are fantastic, as I have my issues with them... mainly having to do with the fact I give half a fuck about the human cast. Shia LaBeouf is a decent enough, Disney-graduate actor, Megan Fox is easy on the eyes (if not unusually "greasy-looking" for my tastes, with apologies to fanboys), and John Turturro makes for alright comic relief, but you know what I think makes for a Transformers movie? Some fucking Transformers doing Transformer shit, that's what. Granted, the second movie meets us halfway by throwing out triple the number of Transformers, and twice the amount of screentime, but only a handful get decent coverage, and half of them suck. Some whiners bellyached about the twin Autobots being racist, and I just find them annoyingly tolerable, much akin to Jar Jar Binks from Star Wars. And SPOILER ALERT OMFG LOL I'd like to why Bumblebee cannot speak in part two if he could speak at the very end of part one. There are many more of these nitpicky moments in Transformers 2, but as a actiony sci-fi flick it's good enough. What tickles me is that critics all around panned the hell out of this movie and yet it's the highest-grossing film of the year. I think it's awesome because we as a society gave the middle finger to the people paid to tell us when something stinks. On the other hand, if they're right and we're wrong, we're morons. Then again, they said The Departed was a great film, and it sucked. So nobody wins.
Speaking of movies based on toys, I'm curious about G.I. Joe, which will be out next month. I skipped out on seeing it in theaters for the same reason I skip out on 90% of movies in theaters: I'm lazy and it's expensive. On one hand, I'm only familiar enough with the series that any harm they do by messing up the continuity of G.I. Joe will not faze me. On the other hand, it could be a shitty movie like the same people who said Transformers 2 sucked. On a third, magic radoactive hand, a Wayans brother is in it not playing an ugly white woman or a midget, so it could be in a category all its own.
The movie Up is next. I didn't see it either, but I usually enjoy Pixar movies (Cars was so-so and I've never seen Monsters, Inc. because I wanted to avoid that disappointment). This one would be hard to pass up getting.
I am, I repeat, I am NOT a Star Trek fan. I have never seen an entire episode of any Star Trek show, and have never seen any of the original series. I'm not a hater, per se, but I don't give a shit. I do love Patrick Stewart and know all of the actors from the original show and their characters, but that's about it. I hate space stories, and Star Trek never appealed to me. Ironically, Star Wars did in some degree, but I never trailed beyond the six movies. So why on earth am I interested in the new Star Trek? I have no idea. But I am, and although I doubt this will pump me up into loving Star Trek as a series, I get the feeling I will like this movie. We'll see.
I'm not nearly as stoked for Harry Potter and the Moneyhat of Alakazam, or whatever the hell the sixth movie's called. I'm not exactly a Harry Potter fan, but I enjoy the movies enough. My mom, on the other hand, loooooves Harry Potter (until Twilight came out of the closet and reverted her to a 12-year-old Teen Beat subscriber) and has occasionally pestered me into reading the books. I don't in case I ever write a book and then no one can say I copied them. But the sixth chapter of Harry Potter holds a special place in my heart. Some may remember that when the sixth book was coming out, it was announced that "an important character" dies. I went with my mom to the store to buy the book first day (not a midnight launch, but during business hours like regular people). Not to be fumbled with spoilers, my mom was determined to find out herself through the magic of reading. I, on the hand, didn't give a crap one way and as she continued shopping, I flipped through the cinderblock book and discovered who it was (SPOILERS IT WAS GANDALF IMEAN DUMBLEDORE LOLOLOL). Thus I began a series of taunts. "I know something you don't know! I know something you don't know!" I cheered in a sing-song voice while mother pushed her cart into me. It's safe to say she did eventually find out without my important help. So that leads me to now, where I will probably watch the sixth movie because Emma Watson is legal now.
Everyone I talk to says I need to see The Hangover. I hate peer pressure but I guess I will.
Finally, there's Bruno, the third character of Sacha Baron Cohen's beloved children's program, Da Ali G Show. Of the three (the others being the titular Ali G and Borat, which if I have to explain who THAT is then you're not even fucking reading this whole post), Bruno is my least favorite because his character is generally accepted by the people he's pranking around with, and thus bad televison. There's also a heavy chance of naked dicks in the movie, and while I'm neither offended nor aroused, it's difficult to watch the rest of the movie. I guess I'll have to find out.
I would go on a rant about Tekken 6, but I think I will save that for a review nobody will read and then bitch at me for bitching about it. But then if they didn't read it, how do they know? Leprechauns.
I'll leave you with that to ponder about. For your health.
-C.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Holy Smokes, A Post!
So while I've run out of things to say about games, it also seems that I've ran out of things to say in general. I think I've left enough stories to freshen this place up with, anyway. I just wish Blogger could tell when I split paragraphs so I don't have to re-edit this stuff forty times. Ah well. Until next time.
-C.