OU vs. OSU: FUHTBAWL ROYALE.

For as long as mankind has knuckle-dragged itself across the globe, rivalries have existed. Brother against brother is no strange concept on our shores, where we once made up an entire war on it. So it should come to nobody's surprise that Oklahoma has an in-state rivalry all its own. Alas, it's over college football, the jock equivalent of Horde versus Alliance. Year after year, the season begins and the fans get in an uproar, and then the season ends and the fans get in an uproar without drinking quite so much. The question is, what sect do you claim, Oklahoman? Do you go with the Oklahoma Sooners, or will you root for the Oklahoma State Cowboys? I mean, they're both Oklahoman, so what's the difference? That's where I come in.

Now, I'm not an expert on football. In fact, I don't give a fat fudge about it. I'm not going to litter my blog with sports statistics or rudimentary studies on how many rape and manslaughter convictions it takes a player to get suspended for one game. And no, I'm not going to play it safe and go with my alma mater, OSU, because that's what dirty cheaters do. I'm going to pretend that you, the reader, also know little about football. I've come up with a five-point contest based on the mascots, the fans, what the team colors remind me of, theme restaurants, and any merit the teams have. Now that I've stated that, I'll be clear in that neither team wins. Because the real winner is you, for caring about college football and being a bigger person than me.

Round 1: Mascots!

OU: Woody Wheel the Wacky Covered Wagon.

OU's biggest representative is a covered wagon, which according to history involves people who traveled to live out in the west being called "Sooners," whatever the hell that means. But the wagon stands for strength, endurance, and efficiency. If OU were founded today, there's no doubt that its mascot would be a fifth-wheel RV. Sadly, after a quick Google search I discovered that OU's actual mascot is a lame horse with no knowledge of royalty deals.

OSU: Tom Selleck.

The fact that OSU's mascot is Magnum, P.I. in a cowboy costume should surprise no one, as Oklahoma is well known for having a tapestry of history involving the wild west, the rustlers who tamed it, and the critically-acclaimed closeted homosexuality that followed. And who is tough on the job as well as he is easy on the eyes? Tom Selleck. Although disheveled and impossibly bow-legged, Selleck amasses his fans by calling them "Pokes," which they only WISH they were after a candle-lit dinner with the star of Quigley Down Under.

Winner: Whether OU fans are entertained by an antique travel trailer or the livestock that pulls it, nobody will disagree that Tom Selleck would kick its ass in a whimsical mascot fight. With style, and possibly a Ferrari.

Round 2: Fans Unite!

OU: This Guy.

It takes much dedication to be seen like this in front of thousands of people, so before you point and laugh at the man, I urge you to think for a moment. Would you push yourself away from the kitchen table during a ham and butter dinner to dip your face in paint and wear your best boots to a college football game? No, you'd fucking twitter about the game while doing over-priced body shots off a waitress named after a candle scent. But this guy did it. And he is not ashamed, either. The only thing I could call him (Gerald) out for is for forgetting to put on pants that don't match his enthusiasm.

OSU: These Jerks.

While they may not have a comically-sized man in their stands, OSU fans will steal their clothes and pull out all the punches. "Hey Kansas Jayhawks coach Mark Mangino, do these underpants belong to you? Because we found a pair that might fit your physique! LOLOLOlol!!!1!" Somebody call an OSU medical student, because I am in stitches! So yeah, while OSU fans are filled with plenty of team pride, they're pretty much dicks.

Winner: While OSU fans are capable of rousing their rivals to the point of just going and teabagging the opposing teams' cheerleaders, OU marginally beats them for simply having even less shame. Nobody walks outside of his or her bedroom looking like that for any other reason than loving football way too much for their own good.

Round 3: The Pretty Colors!

OU: Canada.

The simplicity of OU's red-and-white color scheme could be traced to the simplicity of our neighbors to the north. A carefree and hearty people, Canadians live on a rich diet of maple-flavored anything and baskets of Tim Horton's doughnuts. Although Canadians are famous for the wintertime sport "hockey," they have also been spotted playing games such as football, basketball, hopscotch, and Triominos. Some Canadians can also be French, which can be distinguished by their snarky insistence that their name is not Robert, but "Reau-bieu." Canada's chief exports are timber, oil, Golden Globe winners, and in my case, grandparents.

OSU: Halloween.

The irony is that OSU's colors, black and orange, are obvious reminders of Halloween, which is a pagan holiday that many pious Oklahomans have replaced with Harvest Day, which in turn is total bullshit. Instead of being allowed to dress up as something as innocent as a baby duckling or Carrie Underwood, children are hauled off to church to learn how to hate things that don't pertain to their belief system yet again. To be fair, some less outrageous churches have loopholed the system by inventing "Trunk-or-Treat," where families drive to the church parking lot and hand candy and bibles to each other. That's close enough, but there's something uncomfortably predatory about the idea of giving children candy out of a car. I'll stick with regular Halloween, where the sky's the limit where kids decorate yards with toilet paper and I get to poke scenesters with a plastic pitchfork until they lament their melancholy on a status update.

Winner: This proved to be a tough choice, as I enjoy bags of milk (a real Canadian delicacy) as well as bags of candy. While Canada is no slouch in a competition, Halloween's real advantage is that it only comes once a year, letting me build up my excitement and anticipation for regular sluts to look extra slutty in their crazy costumes. I imagine Canadians get burnt out on being from Canada after ten, twelve years. And so OSU wins this match.

Round 4: Yummy Food!

OU: Billy Sims Barbecue

One-time footballer Billy Sims decided that after footballing he would cut off his afro and find work as a brand name for a local barbecue restaurant. Although he shared the same dream as any other famous person looking to cash in on their own mundane success (cough cough Toby Keith cough), damn, but that's pretty good barbecue. And there's a drive-thru window if you're allergic to sports memorabilia. And if that's not enough for you lazy assholes, he'll ship his sauce to your doorstep so your slop it on your breakfast cereal because you're an OU fan WITH NO SHAME.

OSU: Eskimo Joe's.

I don't know diddly-shit about Eskimo Joe's as far as their food goes, as I have never eaten there. But they do one HELL of a business on selling T-shirts to people who don't know any better. I cannot tell you how many out-of-town relatives have wanted me to take them to the Eskimo Joe's store in the mall so they can buy as many plastic cups and shirts as humanly possible. What sets these items apart from the Wal-Mart variety is the always-grinning visage of Joe, an embodiment of racism that never gets brought up because eskimoes are known for their acute apathy. If Joe's smile could cure cancer, we'd be in good hands. However, all it can do is sell a stupid shirt for $14.95.

Winner: While Billy Sims encourages Sooners fans to get fatter and fatter, I can at least prove they serve food. Eskimo Joe's sells so many shirts I've began to suspect that it's not a restaurant at all. In fact, if they do serve food, how come nobody ever talks about it? How come all anybody wants from Eskimo Joe's is a fucking T-shirt? OSU is disqualified, and OU wins with some awful barbecue farts afterwards.

Final Round: Merit!

I'm not going to go out of my way to pretend to know anything about football, let alone these two teams and their fantastical abilities. I will disregard any and all statistics they possess and replace my initial score of "Let OU win or else they'll whine about losing" with "both teams win with a spectacular hug and no sudden death, and now all the fans can go home smiling and have happy dreams in their sleep." This is the benefit of me not knowing shit about football - a tie. You're welcome, America.

The "E For Extra Effort, the Extra is an Extra E!" Award in Trying: Tulsa U.
For years, the Tulsa Hurricanes have been third banana in the lineup of Oklahoma college teams that people make too big a deal out of. They always seem to be that team that the Sooners and Cowboys trick by telling them the rad beach party is at Majestic, which unbeknownst to the Hurricanes is the fabulous club for "swingers." I would've included them in my five point test if it didn't cost me an extra $10, 000 per paragraph. But I will note that their mascot, a super tornado man, looks remarkably like the poop mascot of Boon-Ga Boon-Ga, a Japanese arcade game where you stick a plastic finger in a fake ass. I am not lying. Google it. I don't give a damn.

Separated at birth?

So there you go. I can only hope that my test helps you decide what team to root for next season. Take the time to buy a jersey and come up with some good one-liners to say to the rivals, like "I'd Sooner be an OSU fan!" or "Fuck you, Cowboys!"

For your health,

-C.