Unless one has been sitting under a rock for the past few days, it's plainly obvious that the world has had its fair share of great folks taken away. Ed McMahon, the whimsical sidekick of Johnny Carson. Farah Fawcett, the 70's sex icon. And of course, the king of pop, Michael Jackson. Oomph. Now that a chunk of my childhood has been stripped, you'll have to excuse me.
Jackson's death was the most shocking. I mean, who the hell dies from cardiac arrest at 50? And with all of the issues he'd been facing these last few years, it wouldn't be entirely surprising if there wasn't some self-assist in the whole matter. If there's a matter. Because I have my thoughts. See, Michael Jackson was well known for his exuberant eccentricity. He lived in a theme park with a chimp and Corey Feldman, for fuck's sake. And he was also accused of bribing kids with his vast array of toys and video games and cookies in exchange for touching no-no parts. And he made the Thriller album, which I still cherish. So yes, he's pretty messed up. And all that's without a comment on his ghoulish face.
Anyway, my point is that I think, or would like to think, that Michael staged his death, Andy Kaufman style, to just escape of to some remote tropical island, so he can just live in peace. If that were really true, it would be the dick move of the century, but only Michael could pull that off. He was that crazy. But it probably isn't true, which is a shame. So say what you want about his bizzare behavior, but the guy is gone, and his music remains as a reminder of a great musician. And while I don't believe in conventional heaven, I'd like to think that at the very least that wherever Michael is now, he's black again.
I find Farrah's death tragic in the sense that the cause of her demise sounds so unflattering. Anal cancer. One would think, in our time, that we could come up with a better name for that. I dunno, intestinal cancer? Lower abdominal cancer? Something that wouldn't coax me into chuckling cruelly, anyway. And while she was quite a bit before my time, I can't deny she was pretty hot. She was especially attractive in her later years, which makes this seem even sadder.
So imagine that, less than an hour ago, I found out that my grandma's eldest brother died. But there will be no remorse for this guy, if there is any justice. Cecil Campbell, as I call it, is scum. If I sound like a prick, let me elaborate. Have you ever watched TV and there's a crime story about a child molester that gets sent to the clink for what, five years. And did you ever go, "They need to just kill that bastard." Let me say that the world is now a little bit safer. There's one less of them.
As a kid, I didn't know Cecil well. By that point in time it was pretty much established that he was fucked up. His unusual behavior went back as far as when my grandma was a kid, and children were cautiously warned not to be alone with him, although there was no real reason given. It was just an understanding to stay away from him. I remember going to his and Aunt Jean's house at least once, idly playing with Micro Machines on a space heater for a few hours until it got dark. I was, of course not out of my grandma's sight. Not long after, he went to jail for, well, yes. I don't know the circumstances exactly, but by then it had gone on for too long.
One of the only other memories of Cecil I have is somewhat jarring, if not frightening. I was probably around seven, and one evening my grandma got the occasional prison call from Cecil. Oddly, he asked to talk to me. Keep in mind I hardly knew the man, and had enough wherewithall to know he went to prison for something bad. Even stranger was my grandma obliged him. She called me to the phone, and here I was speaking to a convicted sex offender. At age seven. To be fair (right...), he wasn't lewd or suggestive. He asked short questions - how I was, how the family was, school, pets, so forth. I answered him as I would a good friend, but thought the entire time that this was the most fucked-up shit ever. After all was said, I handed the phone back to grandma and that was that.
My memory's a bit off, but I could argue that this happened more than once. And while nothing about the phone call(s?) was inappropriate in content, I look back now and wonder what the hell went through than man's head while he was talking to me. And honestly, I can't say that this makes me feel like a victim of violation. He did worse to others, making the phone call seem like bullshit on a stick.
The aftermath was that after a five-year stint, Cecil got out and moved next to his sister-in-law, in an old schoolbus he converted into a broke-ass RV. Years later he got too old and got moved into a retirement center. And now he's dead. Good riddance.
I've done some reflection these past few days with all these losses, and I feel apathetic considering the number of people I lost last year that I was close to. Small potatoes. Things go on as usual, and my direct world isn't disrupted. I can only hope that mother nature continues shedding her kindness.
Hey, lighten up! Transformers 2 is at least as good as the first movie! This is, of course, if you like the first one. Otherwise I'm not proud to give you more bad news.
-C.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Afro Suckery... Kind Of.
And so last week I talked about Afro Samurai, a game that managed to cause Target to clearance it out. This reality doesn't mean that the game is likely bad. I assume they do this because Target can only carry 12 games per system, and need to make room for Call of Duty 8: Modern Vintage Warfare: Call of Duty Edition.
As I've noted, Afro is based on the "hit" anime series featuring a foul-mouthed Samuel L. Jackson that's about how violent shit gets. Basically, the titular Afro owns the Number 2 headband, and seeks vengeance from Justice, the ugly-ass Freddy Krueger (voiced by a silly Ron Perlman) that killed Afro's daddy and took the Number One headband. Legend tells that only the Number Two can challenge the Number One, whereas anyone under the sun can challange the Number Two. The game itself borrows much from this, so the story left little to surprise. Unfortunately, the story of Afro is trite and simple, and other than the semi-interesting premise, both game and anime is essentially Afro running through various gaunlets to get to Justice. These include some old taper-headed men that prattle evangelistic nonsense, a childhood chum with a robot teddy bear head, and an infinite number of generic whosits.
Afro's combat style mimics the newer Ninja Gaidens, and as one progresses through the game Afro levels up, unlocking combo chains and more resistance to damage. Holding the LT button puts Afro in "Focus Mode," where he can perform 1-hit kills called Perfect Slices. This is the general key to getting through the game, as enemies are plentiful and annoying. Ninjas will avoid these attacks by ducking, jumping, or sliding off to the side, so hitting them with a Focus attack is based on dumb luck. The only joy derived from these persistant battles is the occasional cry of "Motherfucker!" as Afro hacks them to pieces.
Boss fights are a pain in their own league, as many are combined with combat puzzles that are explained only by word and not by example. Not that I need coddling in my combat games, but it would be nice to know a move as practical as throwing or deflecting bullets with my sword. I cannot count the number of times I've had to retry boss fights because I had to take apart these fights and figure out the one thing I'm fucking up. For example, one fight had me slicing incoming rockets with a Focus attack - but it has to be a vertical slice, NOT a horizontal slice, otherwise Afro goes boom. This took about six turns to figure out. Another fight involved bullets, and those were deflected with hortizontal Focus slices, not vertical. Duh-huh.
Yet those fights, in retrospect, were simple compared to the balls-out sword battles I had with rocket launcher man and teddy bear face. Whenever faced with a straight-on combat boss fight, it's still a matter of dumb luck. The game has no hub system, so the only way to tell how much health Afro has is how red he gets and how tunneled the audio becomes. Random teddy bears littering the levels restore health, but it also appears that Afro regains health by either killing opponents or kicking ass. Again, this is never explained, but would make sense in battles like the one against teddy bear face. This is a whole level where he shows up every three minutes to fight and cry. What made this boss fight an hour-long fiasco was his constant blocking. And just when it looked bleak and I was about to die, I'd get in a combo chain and suddenly I was no longer red. So I don't know. And sometimes, I think the game doesn't either.
What hindered these fights was the god-awful camera system, which was inverted only in the left-right control, but NOT the up-down. This led to many, many fuckups because I couldn't waggle the camera in the right direction.
While the game is deep with problems, it's slightly aided by having novel aspects to it. Characters are constantly cussing, particularly the Jiminy Cricket-esque Ninja Ninja (also voiced by Jackson), who acts as narrator and nagging subconscious for our hero. There's also a section early in the game where Afro fights topless, heavily-tattooed pole dancer chicks - these interesting baddies don't show up afterward. Speaking of pretty things, the graphics aren't half bad, with an element of cartoonish shading that made the latest Prince of Persia look so damn good. And most of the music is done by RZA, so while fighting was annoying, whupping ass to bass beats and hip-hop jamborees was at the least different.
Afro is a game that, like many games today, is pretty much only worth less than half the money it's going for. I would only recommend it for those who love heavy combat games like Ninja Gaiden or Devil May Cry and tolerate the half-assed combat and camera. Or just go watch the anime - it's only 2 1/2 hours long and delivers the same thing without all the frustration.
Oh no, I just reviewed something. Damn...
-C.
As I've noted, Afro is based on the "hit" anime series featuring a foul-mouthed Samuel L. Jackson that's about how violent shit gets. Basically, the titular Afro owns the Number 2 headband, and seeks vengeance from Justice, the ugly-ass Freddy Krueger (voiced by a silly Ron Perlman) that killed Afro's daddy and took the Number One headband. Legend tells that only the Number Two can challenge the Number One, whereas anyone under the sun can challange the Number Two. The game itself borrows much from this, so the story left little to surprise. Unfortunately, the story of Afro is trite and simple, and other than the semi-interesting premise, both game and anime is essentially Afro running through various gaunlets to get to Justice. These include some old taper-headed men that prattle evangelistic nonsense, a childhood chum with a robot teddy bear head, and an infinite number of generic whosits.
Afro's combat style mimics the newer Ninja Gaidens, and as one progresses through the game Afro levels up, unlocking combo chains and more resistance to damage. Holding the LT button puts Afro in "Focus Mode," where he can perform 1-hit kills called Perfect Slices. This is the general key to getting through the game, as enemies are plentiful and annoying. Ninjas will avoid these attacks by ducking, jumping, or sliding off to the side, so hitting them with a Focus attack is based on dumb luck. The only joy derived from these persistant battles is the occasional cry of "Motherfucker!" as Afro hacks them to pieces.
Boss fights are a pain in their own league, as many are combined with combat puzzles that are explained only by word and not by example. Not that I need coddling in my combat games, but it would be nice to know a move as practical as throwing or deflecting bullets with my sword. I cannot count the number of times I've had to retry boss fights because I had to take apart these fights and figure out the one thing I'm fucking up. For example, one fight had me slicing incoming rockets with a Focus attack - but it has to be a vertical slice, NOT a horizontal slice, otherwise Afro goes boom. This took about six turns to figure out. Another fight involved bullets, and those were deflected with hortizontal Focus slices, not vertical. Duh-huh.
Yet those fights, in retrospect, were simple compared to the balls-out sword battles I had with rocket launcher man and teddy bear face. Whenever faced with a straight-on combat boss fight, it's still a matter of dumb luck. The game has no hub system, so the only way to tell how much health Afro has is how red he gets and how tunneled the audio becomes. Random teddy bears littering the levels restore health, but it also appears that Afro regains health by either killing opponents or kicking ass. Again, this is never explained, but would make sense in battles like the one against teddy bear face. This is a whole level where he shows up every three minutes to fight and cry. What made this boss fight an hour-long fiasco was his constant blocking. And just when it looked bleak and I was about to die, I'd get in a combo chain and suddenly I was no longer red. So I don't know. And sometimes, I think the game doesn't either.
What hindered these fights was the god-awful camera system, which was inverted only in the left-right control, but NOT the up-down. This led to many, many fuckups because I couldn't waggle the camera in the right direction.
While the game is deep with problems, it's slightly aided by having novel aspects to it. Characters are constantly cussing, particularly the Jiminy Cricket-esque Ninja Ninja (also voiced by Jackson), who acts as narrator and nagging subconscious for our hero. There's also a section early in the game where Afro fights topless, heavily-tattooed pole dancer chicks - these interesting baddies don't show up afterward. Speaking of pretty things, the graphics aren't half bad, with an element of cartoonish shading that made the latest Prince of Persia look so damn good. And most of the music is done by RZA, so while fighting was annoying, whupping ass to bass beats and hip-hop jamborees was at the least different.
Afro is a game that, like many games today, is pretty much only worth less than half the money it's going for. I would only recommend it for those who love heavy combat games like Ninja Gaiden or Devil May Cry and tolerate the half-assed combat and camera. Or just go watch the anime - it's only 2 1/2 hours long and delivers the same thing without all the frustration.
Oh no, I just reviewed something. Damn...
-C.
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