Fight For Your Right To Pants Party - Super Street Fighter IV.

I ambled along diligently during that morning, waiting patiently like a smoker with his cigarettes nestled deep within the confines of his own anus, dying for a smoke but not wanting to have to explain why he's pulling his pants down while shaking uncontrollably. Those cigarettes were there, but he'd have to wait. Cut to me scampering across the aisles of Target, pushing a cart filled with cat food and cat litter for my cat that requires such necessities, until we met. I locked eyes with it and the hopeful sales sticker underneath it. "Free $5 Gift Card With Purchase!" it blurted. The blood rushed from my head into parts unmentionable. I went further down the aisle and pressed the Associate Assistance button so that I could hold this beloved object in my own arms. Finally a dippy-looking employee plodded over and I requested that he allow me to purchase this beautiful treasure. As he rang up my transaction, he made meager small talk, mentioning that he played Soulcalibur IV and preferred the essence of modern, 3D fighting games. I nearly laughed in his Clearasil-coated face. As I walked away, I opened the bag it was placed in and admired it, but I also checked to make sure everything was intact. Target has had a history of selling games without having the actual game inside the case, which makes for an uneasy return for a proper purchase. I continued to titter about that poor, wayward employee.


Fuck you and your Soulcalibur, pal.


I have Super Street Fighter IV.

Super Street Fighter IV kicks ass. My review should be summed up in this one picture.

To many people, this looks, feels, and possibly tastes like last year's pants-cummingly (mine, apparently, anyway) radicatubular game, Street Fighter IV. And really, it is to some degree. But the things that Capcom added to this uber-upgrade make it more desireable; calling it a venerable sequel isn't quite justifiable, judging from past installments of SF being basic upgrades of the same old shit. I'll admit it.

The most obvious change is the roster setup, which includes ten more characters, many from previous games. I was sold when Dee Jay and T. Hawk from Super Street Fighter II were added, but throwing in palatable choices like Guy and Cody (from SF Alpha 3, but better known as the stars of Final Fight), goofy Alpha fighter Adon, and three decent choices from the SFIII series (Dudley, Ibuki, and Makoto) seemed better than reasonable. Sadly, my prayers for the addition of the major boobage that is Rainbow Mika were left unanswered, but at least Capcom politely omitted fucked-out characters like Alex and the Yun/Yang twins. If using Dudley as my favorite SFIII punching bag wasn't fun enough, he's even better actually playing AS him. Then of course, there are the two new characters, Juri and Hakan.

Juri's batshit crazy, but a solid contender for Japan's "most desired SF body pillow."

Juri was announced earlier on along with Dee Jay and T. Hawk, and caught my eye if only because she stood out better than SFIV's gang of newbie misfits. Basically, she's a Tae Kwon Do character, which is one of my preferred methods in other fighters and a first for Street Fighter. Also, the shirt thing covering her tits is shaped like a spider, and that's silly. But Capcom threw in all their chips when they showed the other noob earlier this year. Hakan is a Turkish oil wrestler who touts the joy of olive oil while squeezing the living shit out his opponents, sometimes between his legs. His methods are baffling, but surprisingly Hakan is fun and easy to play. Honestly, these two are better characters than the last game's gang, which were okay but not as memorable.

Hakan enjoys the virtues of over-lubrication THIS much.

So the game has a total of 35 fighters, so that means that an ass-load of time must be spent unlocking half of them, right? NO. Capcom dishes us a solid by giving us all of them as soon as the disc hits the tray, opposing last year's seemingly impossible task of getting them all (which I did, but I'm just that fucking awesome). SSFIV also lovingly omits the aneurysm-inducing Survival and Time Attack modes, which needed beaten in order to unlock character colors and taunts. This time around, unlocking those only involves playing as each fighter so many times. Sadly, many of us were led to believe that alternate costumes were also available in the game, but once again gamers have to buy them online (which is a hassle for me, for reasons I won't dive into). And there's not an option to watch cinemas, which is wanky. But whatever.

Most of the enjoyment derived from SSFIV revolves around multiplayer, which is a Drawn Together worthy "AH-DUUHHHHHHH." There are plenty of online modes which I haven't played or have much desire to understand, but dammit all they exist. And next month a free downloadable "Set Up Your Own Tournament" pack might be juicy enough for me to hook up my Xbox up to the Siesta Internet. Yet I think I'm still the only one who relishes on SF games nowadays, so I'll be flying solo yet again.

So Super Street Fighter IV is pretty kickass, but coming from someone who still has his childhood K-Mart tee of the four SF bosses looking menacingly Americanized, this may be glorification at its peak. But anyone who enjoyed older fighters that missed out last year will get a hoot out of it. And for $40, it's not a wallet raper, either. Gamers like Lieutenant Target Retard might not appreciate the subtlety of a 2D plane or the lack of Star Wars guest characters, but I suppose that's their loss.

For your health,

-C.