Avatard.

Before the people who read this (two) who loved the blockbustering film Avatar (43 gajillion) get all bent out of shape about the title of this post, I'll say up front that I liked the movie. That being said, the rest of this will be a sort of anticlimatic drivel. I can only hope it doesn't come off that way. Being that I liked it, I will come out and say that it's not the bestestest movie ever made, nor do I enjoy it for the same reasons others might. On to business.

Avatar is a movie by James Cameron. I think that was the point of it all, but in case you weren't smashed in the goddamn face for not knowing that I thought I'd let that one out. To be honest, I've only seen a handful of his movies, and the ones I've seen (Aliens and the first two Terminators) were pretty enjoyable, although they didn't exactly age well. And contrary to belief, I've made a pact to refuse to watch Titanic, starting from its introduction to the world. I didn't see it because even Barney Fife could see how it would end. Romance, a tit shot, and a sinking boat... need I go further?

My skepticism toward Avatar mimicked that of Titanic's all those years ago - everybody came so hard they exploded their zippers which, when combined with the complimentary 3D glasses, looks extra cool. And I don't follow fads well. The previews did little to excite me and everyone's description of it led me to think this was a live action Ferngully: The Last Rainforest.

After seeing Avatar, I wasn't far off. But there was more to it than that.

The movie goes down like this: a former marine-turned-wheelchair warmer gets a second lease on life when his twin brother dies and he becomes the only person to power a remote-control blue space lemur beast, or Avatar. I get it! Anyway, with the help of Sigourney Weaver and the robot dork from Grandma's Boy, the space marine uses his avatar to encroach on Na'vi (this:)

territory, learning their ways and a little furry love along the way. But a cranky old space marine gets butthurt and wants to blow up shit, and the nice space marine wants to save the planet from American justice. And fucks a space lemur with his space lemur. And rides a giant flying dinosaur thing that fight helicopters. Oh, and the bad guys want to dig up space rock called Unobtanium (LAWL!), which only gets mentioned once because they then decide to just kick the Na'vi to the curb, but the Na'vi fight back... street lemur style.

Believe me, I would do a better job describing it but OH DAMN DAWG YOU GOTTA GO SEE THIS MOVIE FO REALZZZZZ! Or something like that.

For all its lack of originality, Avatar is indeed something I would recommend people go watch. If you're one of those folks who take one look at this movie and think it's the equivalent of movie herpes, smoke a joint before you do see it because it looks fantastic. I would argue that Avatar has the gnarliest special effects of any movie I've ever seen, and that says a lot.

Would you hump one of these chicks? The Internet would.

The things I would complain about, if I felt they dented up the film, are debateable. I watched it in 3D, which was alright for what it was but something I thought wasn't necessary to enjoy it. (I flat-out refused to watch it on IMAX. I HATE the idea of trying to watch a screen so big I have to physically turn to see everything. Pass.) And while the story was derivative and followed a lengthier plot from that old commercial where the Native American picks up litter and sheds a tear, I liked it for what it was and tried not to find any hidden meaning or political tomfoolery ingrained in the concept. I got it and moved on, and felt that overall it was in a place between good and great.

So if you're one of the seemingly few people who haven't watched Avatar, I wouldn't necessarily say go out of your way to see it but keep it in mind. It's a grood movie, and boy oh boy, the pretty colors.

Fuck Titanic.

-C.

2001-2009: The Decade of Vidya Gamings.

If anyone reads these blogs, they might notice that I only seem to write about video games. It is my crutch; I know enough about it to come up with some solid gold. Whereas if I wrote about, say, how marketing affects contemporary society, I'd come up diarrhea sounds and draw a picture of Ronald McDonald having sex with a bag of money with the appropriate "$" label on it. Which sounds good unless that's your semester project for college. So now writing about games seems like a safe venture. Like writing about my favorite games of the last decade.

What I think are awesome, totally kick-ass games will likely be different from everyone else's. For one, I noticed I only picked games that came out in 2001 and thereafter, omitting 2000 altogether. I blame the fear that Y2K placed us in when it came to electronics, and for months afterward we all safely played with balls and sticks and elected George W. Bush into office. There are also no Call of Duty, Halo, or World of Warcraft games on it, which could get me friend declined in certain situations. I also chose to make Spinal Tap fans fill the room with stoney laughter by making this a "Top 11 Games of the Aughts." It was accidental, and I'll explain now.



#11 - Conker's Bad Fur Day (Nintendo 64, 2001)
Conker ended up on the ass end of my list for two reasons. One, it marks the end of innocence in my world of gaming. Two, while not a particularly great game, Conker was pretty unique. See, the N64 had an influx of these cute animal platform games (think Banjo-Kazooie and its ilk), and Conker stabbed all of them with bizarre, Scary Movie-esque parody. Flowers with tits, a singing poop monster, lame rip-offs of Medal of Honor and Resident Evil, and even a Matrix parody back when that was fresh. Even the most affluent of potheads couldn't fathom up half the absurdity of this game. One level has the doe-eyed titular character tricking snooty cows into drinking prune juice so they run over to shit in a sewer drain, only to get eviscerated by an angry bull. Again, Conker wasn't the best game (it was on the N64, after all), but I felt some pathetic desire to pay homage to that nutty system.


#10 - Disgaea: Hour of Darkness (Playstation 2, 2003)
This game reeks of animu idiocracy, and back when it first hit the American shores, I was all over that kind of nerd bullshit. I didn't even know how to play tactical games, but that didn't stop me. Disgaea has a steep yet forgiving learning curve, and allows for some incredibly life-changing replayability: think reaching level 9,999. I never sought to lose that much breath over this game and its awesome sequels and PSP ports, but Disgaea led on to me playing other good tactics games like Jeanne D'Arc and Final Fantasy Tactics. My best character in the game? A fire mage I named Mr. Trippy.



#9 - Saints Row (Xbox 360, 2006)
It may seem odd to place Saints Row the first is on here over the vastly superior sequel, but I say that the second game wouldn't have came without this opening the door. After the Grand Theft Auto series set the go-anywhere, do-anything genre ablaze on the PS2/Xbox generation, the wait for the serious GTA4 was far away. Saints Row, seeing this oppotunity, hopped on the 360 without any competition in sight. This gamble paid off. Saints Row took the gangland territory seizing aspect of GTA: San Andreas, but made it fun. They also did what GTA refuses to do: allow players to create their own character. Saints answered a lot of wishes GTA fans had in general and also helped out in not being a shitty clone like so many others. The sequel is the juicier, beefier, tittier version, but Saints Row set a bar for lethargic gamers everywhere.

#8 - Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney (Nintendo DS, 2005)

My only portable game on the list, Ace Attorney takes the idea of those Carmen Sandiego "Whodunits" and throws some strangely acceptable translation into it. In fact, Ace Attorney is a pure text puzzler wrought in some wacky Perry Mason universe. Unfortunately, I'm retarded when it comes to puzzle solving, so most of my time with this game was spent with a guide on what to do to beat the game (basically a script). But while I cheated my way through this game and the second and part of the third game, I really enjoyed the story and dialogue. It's also one of those games I'd let my grandma play if it didn't have weird Scooby Doo logic when it came to solving crimes.

#7 - Capcom vs. SNK 2: Mark of the Millennium 2001 (PS2/Xbox/GC, 2001)

This was why and how I got my PS2. I'm not going to go into meticulous detail about my love for this game. I love fighters. And while there's not much polish to it (reused Capcom character sprites are way off from the reanimated SNK characters), CVS2 marks the last hurrah of the classic 2D fighting game. Good stuff.

#6 - Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 3 (PS2/Xbox/Gamecube/GBA, 2001)
Pro Skater 3 needed a home on my list for being a fond memory within my heavy PS2 usage. I dabbled to and fro in the Tony Hawk series in the early years, enjoying the arcadey gameplay and bevy of unlockables. Three was kind of the peak of this now-decaying franchise. Like Star Wars? Go play as Darth Maul. Like comic books? Wolverine's in this game. How about demon titties? Yes, go nuts, there's a firey devil babe here, too. This also marked the introduction of Bam Margera into my world, and it's never been the same since. CKY!

#5 - Kingdom Hearts (Playstation 2, 2002)
If someone told me I'd love a game where Donald Duck and Goofy hang out with the Breakfast Club that is Final Fantasy VIII, I'd tell them to fuck off. But Kingdom Hearts is just the game, and I do indeed love it. Taking action gameplay and tossing around some RPG elements, KH took two different franchises and smashed them together quite wonderfully. Some people hate it and call it sissy, but that's the cham of it. This isn't bloody or full of boobs; hell, the main weapon is a goddamn giant key. And while the sequel offered better things like playing as Jack Sparrow and no shitty Little Mermaid singalongs, this game, akin to my theory with Saints Row, bore out those grand things and therefore should be cherished.

#4 - Street Fighter IV (Xbox 360/PS3, 2009)
I've already announced my boner for this game in a previous blog, so I'll spare all that mush. I should explain why SFIV is so low on my list. It might have something to do with the fact that Super Street Fighter IV will be coming out this spring to replace it. Sadly, we'll have to wait until 2020 to see if that game will be the best game of this new decade. I think it will. If it has R. Mika then I will create a new number to surpass 1. I should also say that while I really, really love SFIV, there are a few other games that won over my love with more surprise...

#3 - Bioshock (Xbox 360/PS3, 2007-2008)
I'm not a big fan of first-person shooters, so imagine my "shock" (tee-hee!) when I decided to cash in my chips and play this game about a 1950s underwater utopia gone wrong. Whether it was the creaky submarine sounds, the strange retro decor, or a haunting Jolson tune emitting from a lone record player, this world of Rapture sucked me in. Watching a Big Daddy (think The Hills Have Eyes in a scuba suit) roam aimlessly with its Little Sister child was pure awe, as it would only attack when provoked. The sequel will be out next month and I will get it without question. But I have my doubts - Bioshock set a grand tone that'll be hard to recapture.

#2 - Jet Grind Radio (Dreamcast, 2001)

Ah, the Dreamcast. Such a waste of mirth and quirkiness. Sega's last console bore some really fucked-up, awesome games. My favorite of these being Jet Grind Radio, a game where you pick a Japanese roller blade punk and tag the city with graffiti. The story was awkward, the music was catchy, and the graphics were fucking FANTASTIC for a game coming from that time. After the eyesore games Nintendo pissed out, Jet Grind Radio was like breathing fresh oxygen after standing in the chamber of farts for five years. Sadly, the Dreamcast quickly died and hardly anyone takes the risk to make another game this wacky and Japanese anymore. It should also stand out that out of the eight Dramcast games I own, this is the only one that doesn't involve fighting. Salud.

#1 - Grand Theft Auto: Vice City (Playstation2/Xbox, 2002-2003)
Having a GTA game as my #1 game of the Aughts says something about my love of gaming in this day and age: I love fucking off. But the challenge of deciding out of sportsmanship to only pick one GTA game for this list proved tough. GTA3 was excluded, disproving my theory of letting the bearers of better seeds prosper. I never felt GTA3 was a breathtaking masterpiece, fun as it was. And GTA4 and its sub-sequels are all fine and dandy but sucked out what I loved about the series to begin with. GTA: San Andreas seemed like the surefire winner, as I've clocked in well over 100 hours just dicking around in the game's countryside. But it was Vice City, with its retro-80s chic, Scarface-meets-Miami Vice parody, and bucket of classic 80s music that won the whole thing. Vice City encapsulated everything that the GTA series wanted to be - just a dumb, fun game where you get to do all kinds of things. One of my greatest memories was when I first got the game, my friend Bryan decided to bring his copy and his PS2 over to play on my extra TV. We just sat back-to-back on my bed, playing our own copies of Vice City and having a hoot and a holler. Yeah, it didn't make any damn sense, but it didn't have to, I think. The unfortunate thing is that the game looks absolutely awful today. I guess that's why my memories serve such a purpose: to enlighten the past.

For your health,

-C.